She ages gracefully

Weird is not spelt the right way. 

I been worrying too much about what people say and what people think, but the malay male put everything into perspective. I can't find the line coz he rambles, but ya, nothing really matters. I am just a speck in the universe and none of this fucking drama matters. I can either trudge along with a knot in my stomach or float along laughing my ass off. But sometimes I laugh at people now. I used to be much kinder, but now I'm a lot funnier and... but am I happier? In some ways, I am. I don't tell those jokes with malice, it's just funny, I just don't care. I care less, that's why I feel so free. 

But I admit, I do feel more mean. I still do the same nice things I used to, but the mean creeps in, even though the anger has subsided. I have more enemies and less friends, which doesn't seem like a plus. I have so much less tolerance for drama and weakness, which gives me less tolerance for people. 

Guilt is the worst invention. It's useless. 

I worked all weekend

I worked all weekend. I love what I do most of the time, but in retrospect, my work life is like this...

but this is how I feel...

I love having a job. I love really cool water slides and wine more...

Pink elephants

It's a mad world. Swine flu slips between HIV and poverty, it's a wonder that so many of us are alive. I heard someone lost a child, he was alive for 2 hours. A friendship can last half your life and end in two minutes. There really is nothing one can count on.

All we can do is insulate ourselves in the safety of the thin threads that weave our lives together; dreaming of the future, counting money, replaying the past, fighting to be right, learning something new, collecting people, collecting things, reading stories of Gods that make sense of it all... but it still won't make sense. 

Life is shocking by design , the more you try to control it, the more it makes you look a fool. As I get older I tend to see more pink elephants, hiding in the middle of rooms. Rooms where people haven't seen me in years, and I am as unsure if I am able to see them. Rooms where people escape from life into holy scripture, hiding between God's feet, so all they feel is His peace. I don't blame them one bit. God's feet is a beautiful place. 

Although I know we love the same God, mine has no wrath, I wish they would stop telling me He is an angry vengeful God. My God is full of love, he doesn't get angry. And then the elephant sprinkles a little dust in the room, enraging everyone. Because if you scrape beneath the surface, people just want to be right. It's the most important thing in the world. I let the dispute drop at our feet with a silent thud, the elephant waddles in between us on que. 

Everyone has their insulation, our comforts. We are happy to be their slaves. 

baking words

morantical = so romantic it's moronic (my sister made this one)

geniacal = genius + maniac, not limited to an idea or a person

sleepy time = bed time

gahye = awful

more later, when they're out of the oven

also, if you wanna toast words really crisp and golden, you can use a fullstop after each one, like this: 

I. Love. Yuna's. Rocket.

Doesn't each word smell so yummy?

Rocket. is. on. repeat.

Can you feel it?

I love Yuna

I'm in love with Yuna. Would I be if she wasn't wearing a tudung? I wouldn't be as interested. She made the tudung cool, basically. And I've been listening to nothing else, basically. 

I'm old and wonder how younger people know these things, I JUST realised that people come and people go and people gonna come some more, they pick a fight but it's alright... but in my world I don't get to see you tonight, but that's ok too. 

When the road forks

I have been neglectful of you, dear blog.

Once upon a time, I was a filmmaker. I did everything there was to do in film; direct, edit, write, locations, casting... I fell in love with film when I first found myself on set. I was 18 and thrilled by the organised chaos. I loved shoot but didn't love films like my peers at film school did. I won some awards, but never thought my films were that great. Bleary eyed and 28, I found myself in Malaysian TV. Not a pretty place. I said one night, to myself, "I'm going to find a new job that I like." within a couple of weeks, I got an offer from advertising.

So last week, I took a small part in a TV drama. It was a really interesting experience; I broke my routine, met some new people, learnt some stuff and enjoyed it when I found myself acting quite well. By the end of the three days on set, I left happy and very decided that I don't want to be in film anymore.

Hooray! It's great to decide.

I prefer corporate etiquette. I enjoy strategising.

But I'm not strategising at my current job. Hmmmmm. I do at my night job, and it's so much fun. I'm working on rectifying this. A new career change is in order and there is no shortage of opportunities.

Monday crashed into me

Don't you love that Thursday? It's bursting with calm and ease. Then there's Friday, who's excited and in third gear. Then Sun gets Sat on. They roll around in the grass covered in wine.Then Monday crashes into you like a giant truck and all you can do is observe the wreckage, till Tuesday tucks you into bed and Wednesday is kind enough to gently wake you up, just in time for Thursday.

Just today

I’m getting bitter and restless. This house, with its religious zeal and right-wing politics, is making me feel like a wild animal trying to be a well behaved person. My inability to provide myself with a home, is disturbing and shameful.

The bitterness from my divorce, no from my marriage hasn’t left me yet. I look at pregnant women and feel robbed. Everything brings cheekbones and our life to mind. They say in meditation you should focus on the space in between thoughts. For me, the space in between thoughts are scenes from that life, smells, tastes, people. That life, so different from this one, yet a part of it somehow. Just one cycle of the many I will experience.

Should I stand up?

Hello, I'm nervous and I'm in advertising

In advertising, and when we chose models, we choose good looking men, something to aspire to. But if you look at porn, there seems to be something wrong with your aspirations la guys. You want a monster penis and a muka hantam bas ah? Really?

How many of you want to be Dr. Chua? He should retire from politics and start his own porn empire, starring Dr. Chua. Before the video, no one even knew who he was, now he's the most famous politician in Malaysia. He already has a huge audience, why not? There is senior citizen porn in Japan, why not in Malaysia?

But Malaysians have some strange fetishes. We do. Saw or not, the tudung girls. Pakai tudung and the look of wonder on their face "Konek!" interspersed with that shy giggle. Of course la malu, you having sex, on a picnic table, in public, in broad daylight! gila ke apa?

But it's not easy for women in KL. I've been single for a while. The only time a guy has come up to me in the past 7 months... He kind of stood next to me for a while, and looked, smiling, he kinda gurgled some bits of words. First of all he was a kid, he must have been 20 or something. Maybe this lack of years is what made him miss the fact that we were at Frangi and it was gay night. "Wow, and I'm wearing a dress. Do I look like an Aqua?"

But seriously there's one fundamental problem with men. They can't read minds. Girl goes, "What you doing tonight?" "Going for a drink at Changkat." Silence. ok. Next day, "Where were you? Why didn't you come to changkat?" Does I'm going for a drink, sound like an invitation to you? Men are not from Mars, they're from Planet Bodoh.

This is where I run out of material. I'll think about it.

No Sorry

A long-lost friend shouted over loud music and very good vodka, “Would you like a pill?!”

“No thanks. I’m good.”

“What happened to you??”

Hmmmm…. What happened to me? I got older, I got burnt. I saw a few people crash and lose their marbles from taking lotsa drugs and I got really scared. Most of all, I realised that all that intensified feeling while you’re on e, although fun, doesn’t make real relationships, and in essence, isn’t real.

If I had to pick one, it would be the fear of losing my mind.

“Where you been clubbing lately?” he continues.

“Errrrrr, I don’t really go out much. I take day trips with good friends. I go to palate… Ummm, what else do I do? I read… and write… I live a really calm life now.” He tilted his head and looked at me like I had blue fur on my face.

The whole encounter left a bad taste in my mouth. They are people cheeckbones and I used to hang out with. Seeing them just reminded me of that life I had with him. The mad sex, drugs and rock&roll life.

I drove around the corner to Palate. Among good friends I concluded: I’m not sorry. My life may seem boring by many standards and I really am not sorry!

Kampung Facebook

Facebook is like a kampung. Everyone knows everything. Sometimes I can't stand it and I want to delete my existence from it and not have any association with it. Between the intimate details of relationships, the wall posts (that should be private) and pictures I really don't want to be tagged in.... But at the same time, I love it. I love being connected to everyone and knowing what's happening with all my friends. 

So like in any kampung, word spreads. Collective sentiments become very clear. I don't know about you, but a lot of things in the way this country is run is making me angry. I feel helpless and I feel fearful. The only thing I know how to do is to use the devices on this kampung to let people know, "I think this is unacceptable!"

I don't want to demonise anyone or call people names. I just want to hear a collective voice that indicates we care. I care that a 22-year-old gets tortured to death by police. We care that people we voted for are being ousted from the privacy of their sleep. 

So if you feel something, post it, blog it, twitter it, announce it on your status. 

25

People started tagging me in "25 random things about me". At first I thought it was gay, then TIME said it was gehye (coz they're more politically correct) when they wrote 25 things I don't want to know about you. Qua Qua. So I'm supposed to write 25 things about me on facebook and tag all the people who tagged me. That's just SO sweet. Ok, here it goes!! 

1. I was divorced at 30.

2. I'm sometimes gay.

3. I adore my friends like there's no tomorrow.

4. I'm daddy's girl.

5. I lost a brother when I was 13.

6. The first man I fell in love with was Prince.

7. Followed very closely by Madonna.

8. I have nice feet.

9. I like to perm my lashes.

10. I want to have children.

11. I'm thinking of adopting.

12. Only 1 person has ever broken up with me (and he's gay). 

13. I've been broke for years but I'm growing richer in personality.

14. When I blow out candles I wish to be happy.

15. I'm pretty happy and calm nowadays.

16. One day I'm gonna be a giant tycoon.

17. I think 25 is alot.

18. I'm lazy as shit.

19. I love classical music too. 

20. I go to the Philharmonic and check out handsome men on stage. 

21. I like being surrounded by plants.

22. Ita and Cee are my muses.

23. I have 4 parents and really like all of them as people. 

24. I like salad with nuts.

25. I like people who are a little nuts. 

Learnings from a colossal disaster

When running a business for the first time, some people may not know:

Pay yourself a small salary and settle your overheads. Profit is not for spending, it's for investing in people, equipment and space so your company can grow in the future.

If you don't do this, when you need to expand, you will either get yourself in debt, or hand pieces of your company (and control) over to someone who has the cash. 

Having extra money in the bank so you can grow/invest means that you have to charge more than you need to survive. Or you're living beyond your means and you need to cut your expenses.

If all this is not happening, there's something wrong with your business model. 

If you invest, it's always a gamble. And like gambling, whatever you put on the table, you should be willing to lose. 

Most importantly, a sustainable and profitable business (that people want to throw money at) is a business that still makes money for you when you're on holiday. 

This is a great article (I have a TIME addiction, sorry) on companies that will not have to let people go during the recession. Basically most of them have alot of cash and little or no debt. 

Befriending brands

I was reading the other day that kids these days (teens and 20s) are very sophisticated when it comes to ads. They don't want to be sold stuff. 

Maybe the days of ads selling products will end shortly, if they haven's already. Now we need to sell brands and what we communicate is the brand's point of view and sentiment. When we connect with that sentiment/ share that point of view, we make friends with the brand.

But then again, maybe the days of advertising as we know it is over. I read this stupid article on Time.

People have choice, they can watch anything they want, they're not gonna watch stupid ads anymore. It's not a matter of switching the tv off during ads, people aren't gonna switch the tv on at all, coz the ads are annoying and the selection is so limited. 

Everything is changing. The new world of media business is being shaped as we speak. Everyone needs a new business model to cope with this blady 2.0 generation, but we don't quite know what it is yet. Now that is funny. 

Poor Eli

The whole Elizabeth Wong case just got me so mad. This woman was photographed by an ex while she was sleeping. Now these semi-nude photos are being circulated and being used against her because she is an elected official in the opposition. 

The entire saga is wrong and makes me so angry on so many levels:

1. BN should be focusing on doing their job instead of humiliating this woman on their power grabbing frenzy.

2. She was sleeping!!!!! Women are afraid in so many situations in life, can't we sleep in peace?

3. That was done by someone she had a relationship with??!! Dude!

My heart goes out to her. It really sucks. After this whole mess, I will never consider voting for BN. Anything but BN.

These long days

8am: Took turning into DUKE highway instead of SOHO.

8.45am: Late for an unpleasant doctor's appointment.

10.30am: Late for appointment with Big Boss.

11am: Big boss said "That's pretty good." (with surprise in her voice? I can't be sure these days.)

12noon: Settled content for site that started in October.

Quick lunch.

Wrote some stuff.

Read some stuff.

Was a bitch to Project Manager. (hate that)

Got email about some innovation award we won for an online game. (It was ok. Maybe from a marketing perspective it was pretty innovative, but as a game it was a starting point.)

6.45pm: Rushed home coz I forgot my wallet. Had an unhealthy snack coz I was starving.

7.30pm: Got to climbing gym.

8pm: Fought with one of my favourites coz he took that condescending tone I hate.

8.15pm: Fuck it. Went home and read. 

4.30am: It felt like a very long day. 

Life should be simple, we love it so complex.

John Maeda's Laws of Simplicity. I know it's old, but it's my blog, I can do whatever I want.


"Simplicity is about subtracting the obvious, and adding the meaningful."


This is law # 10 and it applies to absolutely everything.

Weekends are for funning

What a fun weekend! It was Tommy's birthday. He threw a party at Taksu gallery. I got so smashed and solicited kisses from all the boys. I was told one of them turned me down (?huh?). Then I jumped in the pool in my undies. Lucky they matched! And then I put my dress back on on top of my wet knickers. hahahahahah. Then I cuddled with Taff, it's great to have friends you can cuddle with. Then I woke up safe and sound alone in my own bed with a splitting head-ache. 

Then I went to KL PAC open day. There was a room where they handed out drums at the door and everyone just jammed. It was facilitated and super fun. Taff did  some great improv. They were selling pretty dresses. Singers sang; there was a little girl with a giant voice that made my hair stand. The beer was cold and the day was hot.  Then I went to Palate with Brian. Then I had some less than mediocre banana leaf rice. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, best!

She chases like she climbs - Badly!

I was telling The Highway tonight that I hate chasing, it makes a fool of me. I asked him, I asked,

Why, Highway, am I not being pursued?? I'm hot! I'm clever! 

The Highway: Too clever! 

It took me a while... 

Me: O... this is a problem? 

The Highway: It is! Too clever. 

...    ..........      !

Well, I fried a great amount of grey matter between the ages of 17 and 30. Nemmind la. If I compromised on my cleverness, who would entertain me? Entertaining friends is a limited and precious resource. So when I don't have them around, I have alot of entertaining to do. Don't tell me I should be (gasp) bored. Of course I would rather be alone and entertained than stupid and with someone... ugh, that sounds thoroughly boring. 

Or I could just chase this intriguing person (albeit a little blur), get tired, feel stupid, and then start all over again like a curious child. Having said that, chasing on the phone is a challenge, to say the least. Maybe it's like climbing, I have to hone my technique. Or maybe it's just dumb and I'll get over it soon. It really does suck to be more interested than someone you set your sights on, it's not good for your ego, reputation, brand image, health, phone bill, sense of humour...

O well, I have my music. Listening to a Hip Hop album from Jogja, which is beautiful!! I want to drown in poetry and music. blogspot won't let me show you. Sucks to be you too. 

Finding Happiness

I'm going through a TED phase. Just watched this talk by Eve Ensler (she wrote the Vagina Monologues). Some stunning thoughts and experiences culminating in her conclusion that you must give to the world what you want the most, and that will heal all ill in you. So at this crossroad, I must decide what I want the most from the world. 

What do you want the most from the world?

December is for celebrating

I got the dopest birthday presents. 1 of them I got tonight. It's a postsecret book. I'm addicted to the Postsecret site, Ita knows this. Thanks Ita!! I wafff yoooo :)

Another one if from my brother-in-law. Look at this!!



It's a stencil of me on a Debbie Gibson record! Dope!! I have my own Arie Dyanto, hooorray!

My Umi gave me something really special too. Heh heh

A manual

Look! I found a manual for the broken hearted.

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/the-wounded-by-love-agreement/

Sama same or different?

I watched the Ramayana ballet in Jogja. It was awesome, I loved it and one thing really stuck me. Rama and Sita danced in complete unison. I suppose that’s how good relationships work, you want the same things, you move in the same direction bla, bla di bla. Maybe in a choreographed ballet, but seriously. 2 human beings with their own opinions and tastes could never always move in unison.

My mother said, “Next time, you have to be with someone who treats you like an equal.” The fact that she and her husband are equals means that they have no pool because they can’t agree on where to put it (I know, so bourgeoisie). But the point is, they are both so faithful to their opinion that they won’t budge. And because they are equal, there is no conclusion. This situation seems negative, we have no pool. But I really do celebrate their relationship; it is a strong, healthy and happy one.

Moving in unison all the time is practically impossible. I good friend of mine shared with me that her mother advised her to sign a prenuptial agreement, not for financial loss or gain, but for lifestyle expectations. Where you want to be, what you want to be doing and how you want to live in your 30s, 40s, 50s and so on. Basically an agreement of what you expect of each other in your relationship.

It’s impossible to always move to unison, or even be dancing to the same tune. But the differences should be celebrated with a little humour. The danger is when you think your way is right and you try to impose it. This is when you introduce power play into your relationship. An ability to treat each other with respect and not trample on someone just because they adore you is an admirable trait that most people need time and insight to work towards.


Epilogue:
An unexpected turn of events has brought about some developments that have given the pool a very clear and logical place to be. Everything does always work out.

Can't take the love out of Christmas

I was in Jogja with my family for Christmas. A few months ago when my break-up wounds were still fresh, the family Christmas plans seemed pretty scary. I would be in Jogja again, but this time without cheeckbones. On top of that, I would be with 2 other couples, my parents and my sister and brother-in-law.

Having failed at convincing my mother and sister that I was not celebrating this Christmas, I find myself on an AirAsia flight with my parents, 12 bottles of wine and enough pate and cheese to feed a village.

We had a great time, of course. Surprisingly, I found myself appreciating being alone. I didn’t need to check with anyone before I bought tickets to a show, in fact I didn’t have to negotiate anything with anyone, something I was witnessing quite a bit. I was glad to be free of these tiring negotiations, actually. Quite happy to walk around on my own, linger for as long as I want and have an entire beca to myself.

:-)