She ages gracefully

Weird is not spelt the right way. 

I been worrying too much about what people say and what people think, but the malay male put everything into perspective. I can't find the line coz he rambles, but ya, nothing really matters. I am just a speck in the universe and none of this fucking drama matters. I can either trudge along with a knot in my stomach or float along laughing my ass off. But sometimes I laugh at people now. I used to be much kinder, but now I'm a lot funnier and... but am I happier? In some ways, I am. I don't tell those jokes with malice, it's just funny, I just don't care. I care less, that's why I feel so free. 

But I admit, I do feel more mean. I still do the same nice things I used to, but the mean creeps in, even though the anger has subsided. I have more enemies and less friends, which doesn't seem like a plus. I have so much less tolerance for drama and weakness, which gives me less tolerance for people. 

Guilt is the worst invention. It's useless. 

I worked all weekend

I worked all weekend. I love what I do most of the time, but in retrospect, my work life is like this...

but this is how I feel...

I love having a job. I love really cool water slides and wine more...

Pink elephants

It's a mad world. Swine flu slips between HIV and poverty, it's a wonder that so many of us are alive. I heard someone lost a child, he was alive for 2 hours. A friendship can last half your life and end in two minutes. There really is nothing one can count on.

All we can do is insulate ourselves in the safety of the thin threads that weave our lives together; dreaming of the future, counting money, replaying the past, fighting to be right, learning something new, collecting people, collecting things, reading stories of Gods that make sense of it all... but it still won't make sense. 

Life is shocking by design , the more you try to control it, the more it makes you look a fool. As I get older I tend to see more pink elephants, hiding in the middle of rooms. Rooms where people haven't seen me in years, and I am as unsure if I am able to see them. Rooms where people escape from life into holy scripture, hiding between God's feet, so all they feel is His peace. I don't blame them one bit. God's feet is a beautiful place. 

Although I know we love the same God, mine has no wrath, I wish they would stop telling me He is an angry vengeful God. My God is full of love, he doesn't get angry. And then the elephant sprinkles a little dust in the room, enraging everyone. Because if you scrape beneath the surface, people just want to be right. It's the most important thing in the world. I let the dispute drop at our feet with a silent thud, the elephant waddles in between us on que. 

Everyone has their insulation, our comforts. We are happy to be their slaves. 

baking words

morantical = so romantic it's moronic (my sister made this one)

geniacal = genius + maniac, not limited to an idea or a person

sleepy time = bed time

gahye = awful

more later, when they're out of the oven

also, if you wanna toast words really crisp and golden, you can use a fullstop after each one, like this: 

I. Love. Yuna's. Rocket.

Doesn't each word smell so yummy?

Rocket. is. on. repeat.

Can you feel it?

I love Yuna

I'm in love with Yuna. Would I be if she wasn't wearing a tudung? I wouldn't be as interested. She made the tudung cool, basically. And I've been listening to nothing else, basically. 

I'm old and wonder how younger people know these things, I JUST realised that people come and people go and people gonna come some more, they pick a fight but it's alright... but in my world I don't get to see you tonight, but that's ok too. 

When the road forks

I have been neglectful of you, dear blog.

Once upon a time, I was a filmmaker. I did everything there was to do in film; direct, edit, write, locations, casting... I fell in love with film when I first found myself on set. I was 18 and thrilled by the organised chaos. I loved shoot but didn't love films like my peers at film school did. I won some awards, but never thought my films were that great. Bleary eyed and 28, I found myself in Malaysian TV. Not a pretty place. I said one night, to myself, "I'm going to find a new job that I like." within a couple of weeks, I got an offer from advertising.

So last week, I took a small part in a TV drama. It was a really interesting experience; I broke my routine, met some new people, learnt some stuff and enjoyed it when I found myself acting quite well. By the end of the three days on set, I left happy and very decided that I don't want to be in film anymore.

Hooray! It's great to decide.

I prefer corporate etiquette. I enjoy strategising.

But I'm not strategising at my current job. Hmmmmm. I do at my night job, and it's so much fun. I'm working on rectifying this. A new career change is in order and there is no shortage of opportunities.

Monday crashed into me

Don't you love that Thursday? It's bursting with calm and ease. Then there's Friday, who's excited and in third gear. Then Sun gets Sat on. They roll around in the grass covered in wine.Then Monday crashes into you like a giant truck and all you can do is observe the wreckage, till Tuesday tucks you into bed and Wednesday is kind enough to gently wake you up, just in time for Thursday.